It Just Never Occurred To Me
Growing up, I was chubby, self-conscious, awkward and so positively sure that I would never have a boyfriend or get married and have the Cinderella dream life that I wanted so much. -It Just Never Occurred To Me-
At 13 years of age, I still pretty much had to do what my parents said and went to church with Mom almost every Sunday. I really didn’t mind it much because there was a guy there that I thought was really cute and when he wore his Army uniform, he looked so handsome and I liked the attention he gave me.
It really boosted my ego and made me feel so special. At 13, you don’t think too much about the details or consequences of things and I was no different than any other 13-year-old who had self-esteem issues.
Thinking back on it now, how stupid I was. I knew he was married but I guess I just liked the way I felt when I was around him.
One Saturday afternoon my best friend and I were walking to the store and he drove by us and at first I didn’t realize it was the cute guy from church. I’m still not sure if him driving by was an accident or intentional on his part. Of course we weren’t able to drive, so he very well could have been looking for me or maybe I had told him where I would be. I really don’t remember all of the details.
I do and very vividly remember he pulled the car into the driveway of the elementary school and we talked for a while.
I also cannot tell you what a conversation between a 13-year-old and a 20 something year old consisted of.
Then it happened; he kissed me and I remember feeling so good. it was my first grown up kiss and I loved the way it made me feel. It was scary and I thought I would never again feel like I did at that moment.
I haven’t thought of this in years but I can see now how easy it is for young girls who are not confident in themselves to be taken in by a handsome man and his sweet words.
His wife found out and came after me, yelling and screaming at me. I deserved it but thinking back on the events now; “Should a 13-year-old be totally responsible for what happened?” “Yes and No.” I should have known better but he also was wrong to have taken advantage of the vulnerabilities in me.
Flirting and that one kiss was all that ever happened. A few weeks later he was killed in a car accident.
Even now, 40+ years later, until I started writing again, it still never occurred to me that I was on the road to being molested by an older man; a pedophile, if you will.
I guess there is a very strong possibility that the obvious would have happened at some time or another, had he not been killed in the car accident.
That first kiss, somehow, when looking back on it seems so bittersweet. I often wonder how different my view of love and life would have been had that kiss never happened.
It seemed like that for most of my life after that time, I let boys and men take advantage of me because I liked how it felt or maybe I thought in my mind somehow that was the way things were supposed to be between a boy and a girl.
Many years and many mistakes and lessons later, I have learned that it was totally wrong for him to pursue me like he did. I was not to blame. I was taken advantage of and I believe it definitely scarred my future relationships for many years to come.